Thoughts On Being Single & Celibate In A World That Says Sex Is The Answer

Photo: Allysin Leah

Anyone who’s taken a look at the list of books that I’ve read in the last year or two will probably notice the increase of books written by gay celibate Christians, or gay Christians in mixed orientation marriages.

A year ago when I ordered the first one - Gay Girl Good God by Jackie Hill Perry - it was because one of my very best friends, someone who was passionate about God, the church, worship and missions had just told me that they were gay and with tears in their eyes had confessed that they didn’t know what this meant for them because they didn’t want to be celibate their whole life. What if being gay and Christian meant just that?

My heart hurt with them.
I knew these feelings well, not because I’m gay, but because I was a 30 year old, single Christian, and because of these facts was (and am) celibate with no guarantee that marriage is in my future.
(A fact that at different times has caused me to have panic attacks because of how desperately I desire to partner my life with someone who has the same values and beliefs I do. Someone who chooses me as the person they will prioritize above every other human on the planet. To create community with them, and invite people in and pray together and talk about theology and what we’re learning, and attend weddings together, and . . )

The first time I picked up one of these autobiographies, it was for them.
I wanted to understand the experience.
And to understand the theology.
To understand how and where they intersected.
And if it really mattered.

But now a year in - I read them for me.

At this point my friend has decided to pursue a relationship with someone of the same sex.
But I find that I can’t lower my values.

In fact, in reading these books, marriage has become more sacred. And my values have risen and become firmer.
Marriage is something to be valued and entered into not because of burning desire, or mushy emotions - although desire and warm feelings should play a part - but instead, as a Christian, marriage is so much more.
This holy act where two separate, opposite beings become one.
The reflection of heaven and earth, and Christ and the church becoming one in the age to come when all things are reconciled, set right and restored. When finally our relationship and oneness with God is realized in full.
Until that day marriage is a reminder, and an image, of the Gospel.
Two things that are very different, but simply belong together becoming one.

And so I turn down dates with people who don’t believe the same things I do, and say no to offers of casual sex, and instead try to do my best to embrace singleness and chastity. And so I find solace in the stories of my gay brothers and sisters who are also choosing to set aside their own desires to preserve and uphold this vision for marriage. This vision for what it means to reflect who God is to each other and creation.

They make me feel less weird, less lonely as I make choices that are so different from the culture I find myself living in.
Decisions that are difficult to make and sometimes leave me feeling lonely in the wake of a culture inundated with the idea that sexual expression is our identity.
That any curbing of it is repression.
That intimacy can only be found in romantic partnerships, and our happiness comes from finding a soul mate.
A culture that creates art, and stories and music, and almost every single one affirms that romance and sex is where we find our fulfilment as human beings.
But the stories of people like David Bennett, Rachel Gilson, Jackie Hill Perry, Becket Cook, Gregory Coles, Laurie Krieg, Sam Allberry, Christopher Yuan, Rosaria Butterfield and the countless others whose stories I don’t yet know, remind me that our longings point to something way bigger, way more epic, way more important, and cannot truly find fulfillment in another human being or human relationships.
They can only find true fulfillment in God.
And in this they tell me that I am not crazy for believing what I believe, or choosing to live by the sexual ethic I see prescribed in the Christian Bible.
Instead they remind me that God is good and loving and generous, and this makes surrender and sacrifice make sense.
And in fact somehow, in God, it’s absolutely worth it.