Online Dating
This week I decided to quit online dating.
A decision that might seem abrupt, but one that has been festering in the back of my mind for awhile.
I’ve been online dating for more than a year consistently now, and prior to that had online dated off and on for several years.
This time I had decided to commit.
I paid to use the apps instead of relying on their free features, and committed to going on a coffee date with anyone who asked me out, even if I had the suspicion that we wouldn’t be compatible for more than that. I messaged first, and A/B tested which messages got responses. And when guys didn’t take the initiative and ask me out, I asked first.
But after almost two years of online dating, I have received many hookup requests, but haven’t gone on a single, actual date. Guys who were responsive stopped replying before actually meeting in person, or responded with, “Let’s skip coffee and head to the bedroom instead.”
It felt like time after time men were saying, you’re pretty enough and worth enough to meet for sex, but not worth getting a cup of coffee. Like they wanted my body, but not me.
It reminds me of my friend Becky.
In my early twenties I was so jealous of her.
Tall and thin with wild curls, big blue eyes and this perfect sprinkle of freckles, she carried herself like a summer day - spontaneity and femininity wrapped in beautiful skies. She and I, and a couple of other friends met every week or two to sit in the back booth at Coffee Culture and eat chicken caesar wraps, and pieces of of cake that we affectionately labelled “diabetes cake.” All of us single at the time, we would talk about God and our lives, but mostly we would talk about our desires and hopes to be married and start families and the guys we met, and the guys we liked.
But whereas I struggled to capture the attention of guys, they flocked to Becky.
I remember her saying though that the issue was that they didn’t like her - not the her that existed. They liked the way she looked. They liked the her they imagined in their mind, the her they wanted her to be.
At the time I remember thinking it was rubbish.
The type of thing pretty girls say to seem relatable.
But, Becky - if you read this - I apologise for brushing your complaint off.
I understand now.
It feels like over and over online dating has been me asking for relationship, and guys asking for sex without having to give relationally at all. And over and over me saying that sex is only available to someone who is willing to pay the cost of commitment (usually not even bothering to include that by commitment I mean life long marriage, because they won’t respond even when they assume I mean several dates). And them saying that they only want sex, and no or little, or maybe if you’re good enough, some, commitment.
And I’m not trying to bash men.
I assume there are so many men out there who are also looking for committed relationships where they can build a stable partnership and family.
Online dating just hasn’t proven to be the place where I can find it.
In general I actually disagree with online dating.
The idea of people trying to advertise, “sell”, themselves to get attention, and love, and commitment, and relationship, and yes, even sex.
A bartering market where we try to get what we want, with as little self cost as possible.
Our appearances, and profiles the currency we have to pay with. Each person worth only what someone else is willing to give.
I don’t think it’s good for people to see each other this way, as a commodity.
I think we’re creating greater and greater disparities between those who fit certain attractive norms and those who don’t. Men who will never commit because they don’t have to to get what they think they want.
Women who will give what they only want to give in a committed relationship to a first time meet up because they think it will earn someone’s devotion or commitment.
And of course, the unattractive being excluded from each because we now have a seemingly unlimited number of choices to swipe through.
Statistics are showing similar things with small groups of people ending up with a large number of the matches.
And with over half of relationships starting through online dating, they’re 2x more likely to breakup than those who met in more traditional ways, and those who actually marry - 12% will divorce in the first 3 years, compared to 2% of those who met offline.
So like I said, my decision to quit has been a long time coming, but it does not feel easy.
Where else will I ever meet someone?
As someone who, thus far, has been terminally single, deleting my dating app profiles feels like turning off the only light in a dark room.
The extinguishing of hope.
It feels like resignation that the one desire I have held throughout my entire life is never going to be fulfilled for me.
But what is that quote, “insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.”
Almost two years of online dating, and not a single date.
And I can feel the toll of being spoken to poorly, being seen overly sexualized by others.
It’s exhausting receiving messages almost daily asking you for some sexual act. A complete stranger. Unsolicited. Asking if you would be willing to do this or that, if you’re into certain types of fantasies and role playing, or threesomes with them and their partner where you are not allowed to expect any sort of commitment or emotional support on their part.
It feels degrading - less than human.
Then there is the constant unanswered messages from people you match with.
Or the ghosting from people you feel a connection with, where they suddenly stop responding without explanation, and as much as you remind yourself it has nothing to do with you - your mind still churns, trying to find a cause so you can change and have a different result the next time.
Maybe both have always been hopeless.
But logging into my dating apps daily at least gave the illusion of there being potential.
Maybe today is the day I meet someone who will be different, treat me different!
A new message!
Maybe this is the one where someone actually is interested in getting to know me!
Only to open it and read, “So do you wax, or are you full bush down there?” “Wait. Are you a virgin? Does that mean you’ve never had an orgasm?” From complete strangers - men I’ve never even had a conversation with before.
Actually, most of the bad comments or conversations, I’ve never even talked about.
I know it’s nonsensical, but somehow I feel embarrassed, humiliated, that someone would say those things to me.
That they would think so little of me that they would feel it appropriate to say what they said. . . .
Monday morning I woke from a nightmare.
My heart was pounding.
So fast that it felt like if you were standing close to me you would be able to hear it.
I opened my eyes in the dark and waited for the awareness that it was a dream to slow the beats.
It didn’t.
I got out of bed and turned on the light to dispel the darkness, and with it the last of the dream fragments and my pounding heart.
It didn’t.
I got a drink of water, and still my heart drummed on.
I’ve had some heart palpitation problems before - usually after working out or something like that, so I tried not to panic.
But never before has the uncontrollable speed come from nothing.
I searched the symptoms women commonly experience if they’re having a heart attack, as I became concerned.
”Do I call an ambulance?” I worried to myself.
I had basically none of the heart attack symptoms, but the pounding was so vicious that going back to sleep was impossible.
The sound was intrusive, vibrating rhythmically in every vein.
i got up and got dressed, and decided to drive myself to the hospital a few blocks from my house. (Still unsure if this was the right thing to do, or if I should have called an ambulance.)
At the emerge they took my pulse, and immediately moved me to a room.
The nurse seemed calm, and being someone who came from a family with people who tend to be dramatic while sick, I’ve pendulum swung too far the other way, and was trying to act like I was fine. Not wanting to burden the staff with complaints or over exaggerations.
So between the two of us, I didn’t realize that they were concerned.
I’ve never been to this emerge, so I didn’t know that they had put me in the rooms reserved for resuscitations, and not a regular emerge room.
It was only later that the doctor would let me know that my heart was beating at 200 beats per minute when the nurse had done my intake at 7:30am.
She was strapping me into heart, pulse and blood pressure monitors as quickly as possible, letting me know that they would get my heart slowed down soon.
”Good,” I replied with dry humour, “I’m starting to feel a bit exhausted.”
Almost immediately after the monitor was placed, my heart rate slowed.
And so I spent almost all of Monday looking at yellow walls, and having lab techs and nurses draw blood and perform x-rays.
While I waited for the doctor to come and tell me if I’m okay or in danger.
And wished a nurse would stop by and unhook me from things so I could use a washroom.
And trying to conserve the battery life on my phone, since I didn’t know how long I would be there.
It was then - bored, with nothing to occupy my time, and faced with my own mortality.
Knowing that if this heart problem was serious, that there was nothing in my conscious control I could do about it. There was no conscious command I had been able to give to slow my heart rate. No deep breathing. No calming technique.
It was then I finally admitted it was time to give up online dating.
Another thing that felt completely outside of my control, but I had been pretending it was.
I think us humans like to pretend that we’re in charge of way more than we think we are.
So many things had to fall into place for any single one of us to exist. Certain people meeting, and moving, and educating, certain sperm, certain eggs, certain genetics - and yet here we are: walking miracles.
And so many things have to fall into place to survive each day.
One mistake, one split second decision and we could be in car accidents, or falls or a million different external accidents.
Or in my case, an internal one - an errant biological electrical signal.
The doctor eventually came back to inform me that they would be sending me home with a holter heart monitor for a few days, but they were fairly certain I have SVT.
Supraventricular tachycardia.
”An abnormally fast or erratic heartbeat that affects the heart's upper chambers. A result of faulty electrical signaling in your heart. It's commonly brought on by premature beats.”
Thankfully most people with SVT live normal lives.
Some need pace makers.
Out of the heart issues to have - this seems to be one of the better ones.
But it could have been something else.
My body could have betrayed me in a million more detrimental ways.
One faulty signal.
One blood clot.
One hormone out of balance.
Human bodies are fragile, and every day I rely on the provision of God to wake up and breathe knowing that all of us have days that are numbered, and one day I will breathe no more, until the coming of the kingdom of God and we are raised from the dead just as Christ was, to breathe again.
In the same way, human relationships are fragile.
A million different things had to happen for my parents to meet.
From my grandparents both immigrating to the same southern Ontario city, to my parents being born within a certain number of years of each other, to my mom’s ex-husband and my dad’s ex-fiance both working in medical care and being invited to the same party.
I know we like to imagine that we are in control of our destiny, that we choose, and I think we do play an important role, but it also seems like a lot of things have to come together for people to come together.
So, to me, marriage seems like a miracle too.
Maybe I’m just ready to stop putting my hope in disappointing things - not in my own ability to make something happen, but in a God who holds all things together and will one day set all things right.
I sincerely hope that he orchestrates me meeting someone and getting married as well. But even if he doesn’t - I pray that I will know him well enough to trust that he is both generous and good, regardless of my circumstances.
YouTube Videos/Resources on how Online Dating is Shifting Culture
The Modern Dating Economy, James Bloodworth
Man+Woman In Covenant Makes Future. Bio-libertarianism, the Individual and the Marriage Crisis
JON BIRGER - All The Single Ladies, Put Your Hands Up And Listen To This Episode!
Advent 2020
Advent 2020
Hold On Beloved. Resurrection Day Approaches.
PLAYLIST
I put together a playlist for Advent, and I’m sure I will continue to add songs as I come across them. You can listen to the playlist on Spotify here.
I’m also trying to keep all the instrumental songs together at the very end of the list so if you want to listen while reading or just in the background, there’s a couple songs there. :)
DEVOTIONALS
ADVENT, A THREAD IN THE NIGHT by E.M. Welcher.
This is the book I’m using for for my Instagram Lives.
ADVENT REFLECTIONS by The BibleProject
ADVENT 2020: JESUS CHRIST IS BORN by She Reads Truth
In my own private readings I am using both The Bible Project and She Reads Truth stories.
ACTIVITIES
Both of these were put together by my sister Allysin as part of a youth program we run.
DAY #1 (December 1st)
I’ll keep the resources for each day listed here so that you can easily find them. :)
Oh How We Need Advent (This Year More Than Most) by E.M. Welcher
Luke 1
"Waiting is our destiny, as creatures who cannot by themselves bring about what they hope for; we wait in the darkness for a flame we cannot light. We wait in fear for a happy ending we cannot write, we wait for a 'not yet' that feels like a 'not ever'. -Lewis Smedes
Advent Activity: Decorate your Christmas tree (or random plant, or bookshelf, or whatever)
DAY #2 (December 2nd)
“God travels wonderful ways with human beings, but he does not comply with the views and opinions of people. God does not go the way that people want to prescribe for him; rather, his way is beyond all comprehension, free and self-determined beyond all proof. Where reason is indignant, where our nature rebels, where our piety anxiously keeps us away: that is precisely where God loves to be. There he confounds the reason of the reasonable; there he aggravates our nature, our piety—that is where he wants to be, and no one can keep him from it. Only the humble believe him and rejoice that God is so free and so marvelous that he does wonders where people despair, that he takes what is little and lowly and makes it marvelous. And that is the wonder of all wonders, that God loves the lowly…. God is not ashamed of the lowliness of human beings. God marches right in. He chooses people as his instruments and performs his wonders where one would least expect them. God is near to lowliness; he loves the lost, the neglected, the unseemly, the excluded, the weak and broken.”
― Dietrich BonhoefferAdvent Activity:
DAY #3 (December 3rd)
"Life in a prison cell may well be compared to Advent...the door is shut, and can only be opened from outside." --Dietrich Bonhoeffer
DAY #4 (December 4th)
“Waiting for the Lord is akin to waiting for a sunrise. We do so with both anticipation of the beauty to come and patience knowing it won't be quick. Differently from witing for a train or a stoplight to change, we wait knowing that if we pay close attention, we'll see the sky slowly changing, in time new colours emerge, one after the other, new and radiant with each progressing moment.
How foolish it would be to wait for sunrise with only the occasional glance to see if it has risen yet, instead of savouring the sunrise unfold.” -Author Unknown
DAY #5 (December 5th)
“The season of Advent means there is something on the horizon the likes of which we have never seen before ... What is possible is to not see it, to miss it, to turn just as it brushes past you. And you begin to grasp what it was you missed, like Moses in the cleft of the rock, watching God’s [back] fade in the distance. So stay. Sit. Linger. Tarry. Ponder. Wait. Behold. Wonder. There will be time enough for running. For rushing. For worrying. For pushing. For now, stay. Wait. Something is on the horizon.” Jan Richardson
DAY #6 (December 6th)
“...And then, just when everything is bearing down on us to such an extent that we can scarcely withstand it, the Christmas message comes to tell us that all our ideas are wrong, and that what we take to be evil and dark is really good and light because it comes from God. Our eyes are at fault, that is all. God is in the manger, wealth in poverty, light in darkness, succor in abandonment. No evil can befall us; whatever men may do to us, they cannot but serve the God who is secretly revealed as love and rules the world and our lives.”
― Dietrich Bonhoeffer
DAY #7 (December 7th)
“To predispose our mind to welcome the Lord who, as we say in the Creed, one day will come to judge the living and the dead, we must learn to recognize him as present in the events of daily life. Therefore, Advent is, so to speak, an intense training that directs us decisively toward him who already came, who will come, and who comes continuously.” - Pope John Paul the Second
DAY #8 (December 8th)
“The lack of mystery in our modern life is our downfall and our poverty. A human life is worth as much as the respect it holds for the mystery. We retain the child in us to the extent that we honour the mystery. Therefore, children have open, wide-awake eyes, because they know that they are surrounded by the mystery. They are not yet finished with this world; they still don’t know how to struggle along and avoid the mystery, as we do. We destroy the mystery because we sense that here we reach the boundary of our being, because we want to be lord over everything and have it at our disposal, and that’s just what we cannot do with the mystery…. Living without mystery means knowing nothing of the mystery of our own life, nothing of the mystery of another person, nothing of the mystery of the world; it means passing over our own hidden qualities and those of others and the world. It means remaining on the surface, taking the world seriously only to the extent that it can be calculated and exploited, and not going beyond the world of calculation and exploitation. Living without mystery means not seeing the crucial processes of life at all and even denying them.”
― Dietrich Bonhoeffer
DAY #9 (December 9th)
"Advent Prayer
In our secret yearnings
we wait for your coming,
and in our grinding despair
we doubt that you will.
And in this privileged place
we are surrounded by witnesses who yearn more than do we
and by those who despair more deeply than do we.
Look upon your church and its pastors
in this season of hope
which runs so quickly to fatigue
and in this season of yearning
which becomes so easily quarrelsome.
Give us the grace and the impatience
to wait for your coming to the bottom of our toes,
to the edges of our fingertips.
We do not want our several worlds to end.
Come in your power
and come in your weakness
and make all things new.
Amen.” - Walter Bruggeman
DAY #10
Digest #5
A collection of content I’ve seen/read/listened to this week, as well as thoughts, musings and other typed out words.
A collection of content I’ve seen/read/listened to this week, as well as thoughts, musings and other typed out words.
Day 1
1. THEOLOGY IN THE RAW: SAME-SEX ATTRACTION, DECONSTRUCTION AND THE PROBLEM OF EVIL
In this episode Preston interviews Tony Scarcello, a bi-sexual Christian who shares about growing up in a very conservative home, his coming out experience, his marriage to his wife, and how his faith deconstructed and reconstructed while working in a halfway house.
What I want to point out from this episode isn’t Tony’s theology, but two incredible moments from his story where God seemingly stepped into his life in really jarring ways. The first is a time from his teenage years when he was contemplating suicide, and at the exact moment he was sitting with a gun in hand, middle of the night, his youth leader called saying he had just had an overwhelming sense of concern for him. Please listen to the story in his own words, just after the 22 minute mark.
Then in the wake of the suicide attempt of one of the students in the halfway house where he worked, Tony deconstructed his faith, all the way to believing there was no God for several months. Then a conversation with that same student brought him back to facing God. You can listen to that story right after the 56 minute mark.
The final portion is where they talk a bit about the problem of evil/suffering. Why are some people healed and not others? Why does God seem to step in and miraculously provide in some situations and not others?
Day 2
1. FUNNY/HAPPY TWEETS
I tend to come across as a serious person, and the state of the world is definitely not helpful. It seems that everyday I wake up to a plethora of bad news - storms and destruction across the world, “Christians” claiming Jesus was white or tied to a specific political party, war brewing, famine and needs world wide, the degradation of good theology by the Christian church, the pull of friends for me to stop holding firmly to the faith I profess . . . .
And yet - there is so much joy. ✨
In the video I shared in day 1 above, one of the men in the conversation said this, “for all the pain, there is also just as much inexplicable beauty and goodness.” How true!
And this morning I found joy in several tweets I stumbled across. Figured I would share them here so that we can smile together. 😊
A lovely father-son duet of ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’ by Queen.
This cute, serious black lab 😍
A petty, but hilarious way of remembering who owes you what.
2. THE CENTER FOR FAITH, GENDER & SEXUALITY: A CELIBATE LESBIAN’S COLD HARD LOOK AT SEXUAL IMMORALITY IN THE CHURCH
I stumbled across this article in a response to this Twitter thread from Bridget Eileen on how often, within Christianity, celibacy is seen as a curse, or a “cross to bear” but marriage is viewed only for its positive qualities, and not the fact that it also comes with its own denial of self and challenges. She points out that we need to expand our perception to include the fact that celibacy comes with its own joys and that people can also choose celibacy out of a pursuit of happiness - the same way people choose marriage in pursuit of happiness.
In one of the responses to this series of tweets, someone noted that this seemed to be connected with the church allowing outside culture’s prioritization of sex and individual pleasure to seep in. Bridgets responded and included a link to this article that she had written.
As always, I encourage you most strongly to read the whole article because I think her critique is both correct, and desperately needed. But I’ll include a couple of my favourite quotes for remembrance sake as well as for you to get a wee taste of what the article covers.
- “Christians will accept the fulfillment of virtually every single other desire through satisfaction in Christ and Christ alone, but when it comes to sexual desire, they stop short. Suddenly, we’ve got to find satisfaction through something else. Sure, they say, fulfillment comes through Christ. But sexual fulfillment? That comes through a committed, monogamous, heterosexual marriage. If we ever hope to create an effective response to our culture’s rampant sexual liberation, this absolutely needs to change.”
- About 80 percent of evangelicals have premarital sex, and 1 out of every 3 born-again adults get divorced (which is the same statistical rate as unbelievers). Christian men of all stripes view pornography to the same degree as the outside world (in some cases even more), and roughly 60 percent of pastors use or have used pornography.
- Ultimately, when people encounter sexual attraction, it reveals the orientation of their soul. It tests their willingness to submit to the God of the universe.
- Learning to accept a life with unmet desire is good.
And one last note - this tweet in response to Bridget’s original tweet thread:
3. VOUS CHURCH: WORTH DYING FOR: NO REGRETS
This is a little outside my normal recommendations - not that I don’t watch sermons pretty regularly, just that I tend to share more academic theology - people working in research or teaching in more academic and less pastoral ways. But this sermon had some quotes that stood out to me, so I figured I would share them here and hope that they encourage you as well.
- Make a million mistakes, just stop wasting your energy making the same mistakes
- Partial obedience is still disobedience
- Back up every sermon with your life. Paul didn’t just say this was worth dying for. He said, I am going to die for this. (Acts 22)
- Accountability is having people who help you balance your actions with your values
- My commitments won’t last without my community
- Not every open door is a God door. You need to get conviction. Other opportunitues will come, but stay the course.
- No reserves. No retreat. No regrets. I have a course
4. YOUR OTHER BROTHERS: THE CHURCH VS. THE LGBTQ+ COMMUNITY: A MORE COMPELLING NARRATIVE?
This blog post discusses the struggle and the draw of the LGBTQ+ community and narrative. Especially for celibate, gay Christians, this tension can be a difficult one to navigate as they tend to feel that they neither fit in fully with either the LGBTQ+ community or the Christian community. This of course is not how it should be, as the Bible clearly states the good news that anyone who shows a “deep reverence for God, and are committed to doing what’s right, they are acceptable before Him.” (Acts 10)
Take a read and hear the tension, and consider how you are contributing or distracting from the narrative of the scriptures.
5. SEX & THE MUSLIM FEMINIST
This article may be a little out of my wheel house, as I believe in a different worldview as a Christian. But I think the author, Rafia Zakaria, made some good points about how in the west we equate freedom with sexual freedom. As the article tag line states, “on refusing to equate sexual pleasure with freedom.”
I recommend reading the full article so you can hear the full argument, but here are a couple quotes that stood out to me:
- If sex was understood as a commodity that women were choosing to consume, then its problematic aspects could be disguised. The objectification of women as sexual objects could hence be replaced by the objectification of sex and even sexualization.
- If burka-wearing Afghan women were repressed then surely American women, their saviors, were liberated.
- A few weeks ago, Michelle Goldberg, author of The Means of Reproduction: Sex, Power and the Future of the World, wrote in The Nation: “ For a lot of people, the contemporary sexual regime celebrating pleasure above all else isn’t that much fun.”
- In becoming the central metaphor for liberation, it has eviscerated critiques of imperial overtures abroad and encouraged a deliberate deafness toward all the dialects of empowerment that do not translate themselves into its language...based on their refusal to affirm that freedom essentially and centrally means the freedom to have sex.
Day 3
1. ALISSA CHILDERS: HOW WE GOT HERE: A HISTORY OF PROGRESSIVE CHRISTIANITY
Although I’m not sure I’m fully in the same space as Alissa in the vehemence she speaks against progressive Christianity - I do find myself agreeing with a lot of the things she points out, and the fact that some (maybe even a lot) of the ideas presented in progressive Christianity do not accurately represent Christianity as presented and founded on the Christian Bible.
Take a read - let me know your thoughts.
- quoting Augustine, “You ought to say plainly that you do not believe the gospel of Christ. For to believe what you please, and not to believe what you please, is to believe yourselves and not the gospel.”
2. THIS TWEET IS SUCH A REFLECTION OF WHAT I’VE SEEN TO BE TRUE:
Day 4
1. UNSAFE SPACE: [DEPROGRAMMED] PAUL VANDER KLAY
I tend to be a fan of Paul Vander Klay’s work. He always comes across as thoughtful in his approach and is way more read and educated than me, so some of the philosophical ideas I do have to fight to grasp. Either way, I enjoyed this conversation and wanted to share it with anyone who’s interested. 😊
- Christians traditionally followed mortification, self-sacrifice, giving up oneself for the welfare of another
- Paul shares some interesting parallels that he sees between progressive and prosperity gospel Christianity
- There is a type of secularism and narcism that says, what’s fundamental is my lived experience and having the most pleasing experience from zero to 80
- most Christians in the West don’t take their beliefs seriously. They don’t live by them. They’re not guided by their beliefs. They’re guided by the same things all the rest of secular culture is.
- If there isn’t a value and another world to shoot for, then all of our values must be found here
- If there is no such thing as divine judgment or divine reward, then all judgment and rewards must be obtained in this world
- The prosperity gospel sees God as a tool to achieve the “good life” as defined by our broader culture. Progressives want our best social justice life now and uses the government in lieu of God to give everyone their “best life” now
- A Christian heresy is an idea that is mostly Christian, but has an aspect that is self defeating of the faith
- Misery. Deliverance. Gratitude. How we should live (ethics, 10 commandments, etc.) is a reaction of gratitude for the deliverance
- Pursuing purity out of guilt (shame, to make someone approve of you etc.) it will crush you. Pursuing purity out of gratitude allows you to find meaning, joy etc.
Day 5
1. NIKE COMMERCIAL
Not at all theological. I was just really, really impressed with the editing on this commercial, like, it’s honestly incredible, and hard work and art deserves to be appreciated. Enjoy!
Day 7
What is something you’ve read/watched/listened to, that sparked some interesting thoughts for you? Or if you check out any of the things I’ve shared - let me know your thoughts in a comment!
Digest #4
Day 1
1. TWEET FROM SAM ALLBERRY
2. WHERE TO FIND HOPE AND HELP AMID THE SEXUAL REVOLUTION - SAM ALLBERRY
So apparently today is just all Sam Allberry, but honestly, this article was so beautiful. Sam is always thoughtful and kind in his presentations, putting not argument, but relationship first - something this girl wants to be better at.
Please take a moment to read this article to hear a bit about how the moral intuition has shifted, and how God is good in all of his ways.
Day 4
1. PAUL VANDER KLAY : DECONSTRUCTING WITHOUT LOSING CHRISTIAN FAITH OR IDENTITY
I forget exactly how I first stumbled upon Paul’s work, but I’ve found it very intriguing. He’s a pastor, and most of his YouTube conversations tend to be around world views/narratives. Often his videos remind me of my Philosophy class in college - quite a bit of it goes over my head, but I grasp enough of it to have moments where concepts click together and spark me toward new or deeper thoughts, and hopefully change.
One very interesting aspect of Paul’s content is that he’s willing to take video chat requests with almost anyone. (I think you just have to send in a request via a link in his YouTube video descriptions.) And then he shares a lot of these conversations on his YouTube channel, so I get the opportunity to hear him engage on a wide range of topics with people with very different stories, backgrounds and beliefs.
This video was talking to a 25 year old man, Michael, who currently is wrestling with his faith. Perhaps teetering on the brink of what is commonly now deemed “deconstruction” within Christian circles. But really wanting to grapple with, and longing to hold onto, a faith in Jesus.
Notes:
- God sends people on really long, weird journeys. Just look at Moses or Paul.
- (Quoting a story about Mother Theresa) I won’t pray for you to have clarity, but what I will pray for you is trust. Clarity is, in a sense, idolatrous, because then we can trust the clarity rather than Christ.
- (Quoting an interview with Tony Compolo) I knew you were wandering away because you stopped going to church. But church is the place to go when you can’t believe. And you might sit there the entire time and think “I don’t know if I believe this” but if you want to be a Christian - go to church! Find one you can tolerate!
- The internal struggle will not be resolved solely by argumentation. People don’t often decide to follow Jesus, or decide to walk away, based solely on an argument. It’s far more complex.
- Okay Lord, you’re going to take me down a road I don’t like? Okay. That’s normal for your servants. And I ain’t going to like it, probably, but I will do my best to trust you. That’s the Christian life
- These are the stories my God tells, and he uses people’s lives to tell them … Look at Mother Theresa. She thinks God has abandoned her, but yet spends her life serving the dying in Calcutta … There is no greater storyteller. I believe in that kind of God.
- The closer you are to Jesus - the harder it is not to follow him … Judas being the exception. 😅
Digest #3
And this is the line I find myself trying to walk. A change of life not because I found a set of rules, but a change of life because I found the source of life and knowing him changes me.
A collection of thoughts from this week.
Day 1
1.
“Obedience isn’t legalism, it’s a symptom of salvation”
C.S. Lewis
I find this a constant hard line to walk. It seems pretty clear in the Biblical letters that coming to Christ should cause us to look different, live different, think different (read 1st John, it’s a doozy!), that there is an ethic, a way of living that Christians should exhibit. But rules doesn’t seem to be the reason why Christ came. In fact the Bible critiques those who follow the law by offering sacrifices without also offering a repentant heart.
And this is the line I find myself trying to walk. A change of life not because I found a set of rules, but a change of life because I found the source of life and knowing him changes me.
2. THE BIBLE & WESTERN CHRISTIANS - DECONSTRUCTIONIST’S PODCAST
Tim Mackie was interviewed in this episode of the podcast on what the Bible is, and some presuppositions that western Christians often bring with them into the reading of this ancient texts. As always, I found Tim Mackie thoughtful in his responses, and the way he views the Bible and God is just so beautiful that it makes me want to see more like him.
Some notes:
Humans wrote the Bible under the orchestration of the Spirit and the Bible, because of this, is exactly what he wanted his people to hear.
A narrative of what God’s doing in history to save and redeem people, and an invitation by God into covenant. To live under his rule and exist as a contrast community to other nations and live as new and different humans
A divine and human story about humans becoming more human by entering into a covenant with God.
My worldview and my faith is not built on my ability to find coherence. It’s based on my trust in Jesus and what he did for me and on my behalf, and not in my ability to always figure it out.
The Bible was not created to be easily understandable to anyone on the planet at first blush. That itself is a preconception of what it means for the Bible to be God’s word. That any person should be able to read it in a translation and just get it all the first time, and that’s just not true to what these texts are. They come assuming that you are immersed in the whole story.
Day 2
1. LUKE 14:27-33
I had so much to say about this that I put it in its own separate post. You can find that here.
2. THE POWER AND THE GLORY - INTERVIEW WITH HISTORIAN TOM HOLLAND
I began hearing about Tom Holland around a year ago with the release of his book - Dominion: How The Christian Revolution Remade The World. In this book Tom tracks how a large portion of the beliefs we hold as “universal” in the west find their roots in the rise of Christianity after the death of Christ. Concepts such as human rights and inherent value/dignity, hospitals, education, science. . . . he argues that these all find their grounding historically in the world view established by the Christian Bible.
Beyond being a historian and author, Tom is also an interesting Twitter follow, with tweets of random statues with captions rooted in history that I don’t understand, passionate pleas against the Stonehenge tunnel, and things like this - an epic sandcastle adventure.
All of that to say that since discovering his book, and his Twitter, I’ve really enjoyed listening and reading interviews with him. One of the most interesting things to me is that Tom warns that the dismantling of the Christian religion may also leave us in a society that also dismantles some of the truths we believe to be foundational, and yet he is not a Christian himself.
Especially near the end of this interview - he had some really great things to say.
Day 3
1. FRACTIONED HEART BY GABLE PRICE AND FRIENDS
My friend, Tristan, recently shared Ten Percent - a song off this album - with me, and instantly I was struck. It was delightful, and nostalgic, and thoughtful and instantly I fell in love.
Now, almost a week later, I have finally sat down to listen through the album, and I have been struck with awe.
You know when you find music that feels so deeply of home,
That puts words and notes to the longings
When it feels like somehow you’re connected with something other worldly.
God.
Like somehow my soul is vibrating at the same frequency of the universe?
Yeah.
That’s what listening to this album was like.
I reached Underdressed, and had to sit and listen to it on repeat.
The course is my heart.
Search me and prune me
I know Your words are true
Vindicate me, consecrate me
Make me one with You
Vindicate me, consecrate me
Make me one with You
As I finally listened to the album I sent Tristan a text, “Holy. So good. Everything has like a nostalgic 80s feel, and the lyrics are so thoughtful. They remind me of Jon Foreman's writing, but obviously less alt rock or whatever they are.”
And then Midway Drive hits, as the perfect road trip song that somehow is also a worship song. . . .
Please, just do me a favour and listen to this album, then please send me a message or leave a comment with your thoughts and your favourite song. I just want to share the experience that this album is with literally everyone I know . . . and everyone I don’t know.
I can’t get enough.
2. ASK N.T. WRIGHT ANYTHING PODCAST EPISODE #40: DO I HAVE TO AGREE WITH ST. PAUL?
Recently I’ve talked to a few people who believe, or have questions about a progressive interpretation, or a trajectory interpretation of the New Testament, and specifically Paul’s letters. Basically the question is, does Paul’s teachings in these letters apply to Christians today, OR were the teachings a product of their time? Or some combination of both?
In this episode of Ask N.T. Wright Anything, he gets asked this question exactly, and I believe his answer is quite helpful. So, if this is a question you’ve asked yourself, please take a listen to what he says.
Day 4
1. THIS TWITTER THREAD ON ‘DECONSTRUCTION’
I found this thread interesting in that it is directly speaking more to the political side of life. The break down of certain ideas and constructs that, I believe he’s looking at America in specific, society is founded on. We see this in ideas about what the word “racism” means, or in the conversation happening around gender and law, and like all things, some changes are good and necessary, but is the deconstruction ideology we’re using to cause that change beneficial?
Politics is not really an interest for me, except where it interacts with other things such as identity, theology and world views. But this concept is one I see playing out within Christianity.
This thread makes the point that ‘deconstruction’ aims at undermining meaning. Often causing the meaning of words to be squishy, or left up to the interpretation of whoever is using it. I recently saw this play out in this interview with Lisa Gungor. Lisa says she is a Christian, but when asked who Jesus is in her worldview she states that he is the son of God, just as we all are, and that we all are the very bones of God. That the resurrection is not intrinsic to the Christian faith, and that all religions are inside God, there is no exclusionary aspect to Christianity. When asked what Jesus meant when he said that he was the only way to the Father, she said she didn’t know why Jesus would say such a thing. All of these beliefs go against what the word ‘Christian’ has meant for thousands of years.
Anyway, not really trying to make a point or sum anything up here. Just found this all fascinating. (Also people, please choose and use your words with intention and thought, and ask for clarification when others use words in a squishy kind of way. The best way to have meaningful conversation is to truly take the time to understand what the other person is saying - sometimes you’ll find you’re agreeing where you thought you were not. Other times you’ll find that you’ve been using the same word but meaning very different ideas by it.)
2. HONOR-SHAME CULTURE AND THE GOSPEL - THE BIBLE PROJECT
The Bible Project is currently in the middle of a series on how to read the New Testament letters. This episode talks about how the letters were written into an honour-shame culture, and how understanding this will enable us to understand some of the ways the apostles write.
In this episode, for me, it got interesting right around the 24 minute mark when they talk about the culture the apostles would have existed in, and some of the differences with western “American” culture.
And right following this when they speak about the meaning of the Greek word that we commonly interpret as “glory”.